I can finally move on.
It was only the second day since the new term started. I breezed into the nearly empty room, eager to find someone whom I'm at least acquainted with. I look around; so far there was none. I smirked. A lovely afternoon wasted inside. And the professor wasn't here yet.
I took my time walking towards the other side of the room, checking out the empty seats by the window as I drew near. They were all empty, save for one second to the back. A lone brunette browsing on her phone almost aimlessly, if not sleepily. But the instant I saw her, I knew I recognized her. And upon that recognition, I was dumbfounded.
Once her proximity detected someone was approaching her, she looked up at me and blinked. "Whoa, no way...you're in this class too?"
I was momentarily speechless. To think that you would be in this class. Someone must be watching over me, because I didn't plan on this to happen.
But after tonight, I told myself to just move on.
Back at that moment, I just shrugged and casually sat beside you. It's a good thing I learned to stay calm and act normally, especially on the one I was sort-of hitting on currently. And luckily, we were already acquaintances after working together on an event production last term, so I knew you wouldn't feel odd when I sat beside you.
It was purely coincidental that we became classmates. You were fine on us becoming seatmates, since we both didn't know anyone else in the room.
Over the next few weeks, all we'd usually do is make the class period less boring for both us. Maybe it was just me, but I know you agree that we often make light conversations out of anything, whether it was funny memes you'd show me on your phone, or how the professor engages in how I poke fun at her, coaxing the whole class to do the same. And because of our dynamic, the class was now less boring and actually quite engaging, especially for the other classmates who knew that it was more fun this way.
And while that has happened, we've also talked about other matters. Like whether the ending of Eleanor and Park was justified or how you wouldn't eat chicken or pork unless cooked or fried properly. Really, just interesting tidbits. But other than that, you never really revealed anything about yourself. You seem to keep your distance whenever we talk on more personal matters.
I get it, we've only known each other a few weeks, and I highly respect that. And yes, you've revealed to me before about your last relationship, and how it left you hurt despite you initiating the break up.
But what you don't know is how I really looked forward to our class together, twice a week. Or that I've noticed you long before we started becoming seat mates this January. Even before we worked at the production event together back in October, the same month you said the break-up happened. No. It was a month earlier, but that's another story.
Maybe thinking of that forced me to point it out to you. That, as well as feeling that our conversations weren't going anywhere unless I pointed it out. So I did. I said prudently that you haven't really moved on despite presenting yourself otherwise. And in the process, I also said a few more words.
"There's something about you that makes me want to know more about you," I said. It was the most indirect way of confessing my feelings I could think of, without saying the actual words. Because I wasn't sure of what to make of what I'm feeling yet, and I figured you'd shoot me down pretty quickly. I didn't mean to say it so soon; I got caught up in the moment. But I am interested, and I intend to see this through. There was no taking back what I said now.
Having said all that, you finally started to open up a bit. You tell me a bit of your past. How something happened in high school that gave you trust issues. That only a handful of people are in your trust circle. I in turn reveal something similar about my past, although not exactly like how you felt betrayed back then. I just wanted you to know that I understand where you were coming from.
That has got to be one of the most personal conversations we've had so far. I think we barely listened to the professor that day, although to begin with she was always timid on how she lectured.
After that, I now start to notice that you're more open to me somehow. More like you now tend to make more sarcastic remarks on what I say, as if to tease me more than usual. But I believe that's a good thing.
But then Thursday night happened. After tonight, I walked away resentful, which I know I shouldn't even be feeling. Yet still here I am, a bit more dead inside.
I only signed up for tonight's event for two reasons: to watch an indie movie for free, and to work with you again as a fellow usher. Yet I found myself sneaking outside the theater instead because you were manning the booth at the time. Naturally, we start talking again to break the silence. Another usher joined in on our conversation, and soon she noticed how it's different when we both talk to each other, which prompted her to ask about it. I tried explaining it as general as possible, but what you said was different, and it left me feel a bit hurt.
Apparently, you see my opening up to you as a tactic in order for you to be obliged to open up yourself. You say matter-of-factly that I'm forcing you to open up to me. I then correct you by saying that I wasn't forcing anything. I was only telling you that I knew where you were coming from. But you just smiled and shook your head, as if you didn't want to believe it. As you got called into the theater, you left me wondering.
Was that REALLY how you see me on trying to get to know you? That it was all just mindless moves and tactics? I'm deeply dispirited if that's the case. Even more so if you used that to judge me as a whole, that I'm just a shallow guy.
Or maybe that was your defense mechanism kicking in. You did mention having trust issues, and that you don't just open up easily unless you're absolutely sure. Plus, we were talking to someone who we weren't really familiar with. This in itself is my own defense mechanism kicking in. But rationalizing what had happened tonight doesn't exactly save me from feeling this way. Even after the event was over.
That's why I reacted bitterly, when you teased me down the elevator.
That's why I said nothing, when you said bye.
That's why after tonight, I must move on.